It’s been a groundhog day. Cold and grey and missing perspective in the morning. By the first coffee, the odds turned a bit towards me, by the second one I chose to keep my pajamas on and sit on the chair. I wanted to do everything else but…Blu checked on me regularly, asking if it was time to go and play. Cuddles will have to wait today.
“The Day I Learned How to Overcome Fear” – would make a great title for a movie of this day. It’s not that dramatic though. I get it would be boring for those who see my efforts as part of their daily reality. By the third coffee, I pulled my sleeves and dived into it. My heart was pounding like the Trans-Siberian train on frozen tracks. Click, by click, by click. Blindly at times, repeating dozens of times. I wanted to drop it, I wanted to just sit on my carpet and cry with frustration. And looking at myself from a distance, it would have been just fine.
You see, I’m a creative. A prolific one. I could write a book from a scent, a whole movie from a glimpse of the eye, a theater play from a random comment on the street. But when it comes to systems, I learned to be afraid. I’m too clumsy. I’m too enthusiastic at times, too quick, too careless. I click and I forget to save… I know firsthand what one second of slippery fingers can do to an eager mouse click…12 years ago, on January 8th my husband was deleting the whole database of his former company. 25 years of information, saintly preserved on a server. Instead of ‘save’ he pushed ‘delete’. The gravity of his gesture threw us all in a beyond. And while I pretended I was just a side-witness to this all, I was the one buffering months of sadness, judgement, and desperation of my husband. I was just calmly waiting for him to celebrate Sacha’s 2nd birthday…We managed… we are still here, yet when it comes to systems and working on the back-end there’s this… cold shiver going up my spine.
He got over it. I chose to avoid anything that would bring me close to this kind of disappointment again. I might have even promised myself that I would never do that in my life…So when my business started to grow, and I needed a website, jiiz, what a stress. I tried, I struggled. I tried again with sweaty palms. Let me clarify: I was never thinking of dealing with the website myself, but even the idea of touching the user name button in the back end would throw me in a different universe of stress.
But I was lucky! The Universe sent me IT gifted angels my way. Two steps forward, three back, five forward and one back, I learned to dance with the systems from a distance. I wasn’t willing to know what they were. I was happy to have people around who could do it for me.
However… there’s a fine line between trusting people and avoiding presence with what you have decided you don’t like. So when people leave… it’s not that you’re not going to make it, it’s that the unresolved fear surges from the 12 years of depth. Today I slayed that fear. Was it even mine to begin with? How many people feel completely disempowered when it comes to thinking in systems, automations, straight-forward streamlining? How many of us have been judged for not being able to carry one single simple idea from A-B? How many are still waiting for the teacher to point fingers at us or fail us at the technical exam?And while I am immensely grateful for the sudden gap that got created in my world that pushed me to build bridges and with a shovel and a bucket – I’ll trade the desperation and frustration anytime – I am f***ing proud for having gone through it.
All this to remind each and everyone reading my words that: your point of view creates your reality. Your choices might have been pertinent at some point, but when they are no longer working for you, unchoose them. Don’t get entangled in stories, on top of stories, on feelings and emotions and values and ‘blah blah’. As I say ‘disaster and success’ leave clues and crumbles just keep your “eyes open”!
With gratitude for the turmoil and a huge smile on my face, some of you might have received the fruit of today’s endeavors in your e-mails. If not, if you’d like to be cheering along the way, download your “Shine – 5 Pragmatic Steps for Dealing with Financial Set-Backs” and then wait and see what happens.
And be grateful for all those around you, contributing to expand your lives! Yes, and a glass of wine! Because I want to! Cheers!
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